Just Say Whoa.

Princess

Mickisuzanne (C)

I was a bum this morning. I washed rather than showered, let my hair do what it wanted and wore second tier clothing – a ratty old tea-stained tee that’s not good enough for Goodwill.

Well, it didn’t matter. I had a big project to finish, I would be at the computer all day. I wouldn’t see anyone but my neighbor. We chat through my screen door a few times a day.

Robin's life has gone completely to hell. She did a refi when values maxed and got stuck with a payment she couldn't make. I don't know how long it has been since she paid her mortgage; a long time I think. Someone from the bank tried to deliver a summons last week – but she kept her door shut.

She has two sons – one was living with her. Kyle. When he bought a bicycle I assumed he had a DUI, I didn’t ask. When weather got bad last winter I drove him to work. In Florida bad weather means windy with rain. He was always so grateful, tried to give me money for driving him 2 miles. He was a chef at a beautiful resort across the river from Sanibel. He loved his job and enjoyed his coworkers. He was happy. 

His 40 year old model sister was Facebook gold. When she lived with Kyle and Robin, I always had tawdry snarks to post. I went Doctor Seuss on her scrawny ass, called her “the ho next do."

She was loud and arrogant and walked around nearly naked. When my then boyfriend came over she popped out the front door like a cuckoo clock – always in something sheer with a black thong. She would turn around and bend over to slowly pick up her snorty blonde Pekingese. She bent from the waist.

My male Facebook friends fell in lust and asked if our small condo association had vacancies.

She reminds me of that email joke – no matter how beautiful she is, there’s someone who’s sick of her shit. Well, she finally found someone who puts up with it. She has been with him for months. He has a nice home here and they just got back from an extended stay in California.

Kyle says his sister was working a pot farm in California at $20/hr. I was tempted to ask if they were hiring. Not for the pot, for the money. I get nervous when work gets slow.

Anyway.

While I was in Michigan on business Kyle was arrested. Last summer he was one of the restaurant types who lost their jobs because of the oil spill. Work was impossible to find at that time and he wound up smoking some crack. While high, he attempted to steal someone’s purse. Nobody got hurt and he didn’t take the purse.

The authorities waited almost a year to arrest him and put him in jail. He had his life together by then.

I talked to Robin the night I got back and she told me about it. She was so depressed I was afraid she would kill herself. She stayed inside with blinds closed for two or three weeks. I bought her a blank card and wrote that she needs to be strong for Kyle.

So a month ago Robin lost her job as a health professional. Then she was denied unemployment. You know how sometimes you pick up on someone else’s emotions - I nearly broke for her. She persisted with the unemployment. I helped out by looking things up online. She finally got it and she – we – could breathe easier. She would be ok for a while.

So today a summons server tried to serve her for a second time. A blonde. I think she's new at her job because she seemed to be taking guidance from someone who was waiting out in the car.

She banged on Robin's door – which is right next to mine. My screen door is open most of the time. Anyone can walk up to Robin’s door and talk to me. It’s rare for either of us to have company, so it’s no big deal.

The woman poked her head near my screen. She pointed at Robin's door and asked "is this where Robin lives? Is that her car?" She was just here last week, she knows damned well that's where Robin lives.

I said "sorry, I don't want to get involved." I'm not offering any help. Robin tried to work with the bank. Fuck the bank.

The server told me she worked for a government agency, gave me a nasty look and started to issue threats … "well you know, we can ..." … apparently she had no idea what she could do. She turned to look at the person as if to say “help!” and wound up just walking away. I was relieved.

About 5 minutes later a Fed Ex guy walked up to Robin’s door with a big box. It was from Kyle. I assumed they finally let him mail his personal belongings home.

I walked up to the door and said "I'm right here, it's safe to leave it." I do that all the time. Fed Ex does that all the time. He didn’t ask me to sign anything but he asked "does Kyle live here" - I think I said "his mother does." I was not going to offer information to a complete stranger. I’m not going to say "Kyle is in jail." It’s embarrassing to everyone who cares. I care.

The Fed Ex guy left. I knew Robin would be glad to hear from her son, so I knocked lightly on her door and said "it's Micki". She didn’t answer so I went back to my computer.

The phone rang – it was Robin. I told her about the package but she was worried about the process server. So was I, still stressed out from the incident.

Robin thought the coast was clear so she came out - ignoring the package. We were freaked. Can the bank send the sheriff to move her out within 24 hours? She has heard of that. I have heard of it taking months, nearly years, for banks to foreclose.

I encouraged her but I was worried sick. She shook her head and said "they give 24 hours notice before they throw your stuff out on the grass."

I told her the summons server tried to threaten ME. She said she heard of the bank sending process servers in disguise. We worked ourselves into jittering paranoia. I imagined life with no lights next door. No little wall bumps at night, no signs of life. Nobody my age to commiserate with. I didn’t like it.

No sooner had she taken the box inside than three big honking Lee County Sheriff vans pull up. I think there were three or four cops with guns in bulletproof vests - and a canine unit. There was one immediately out front, one on the side and one in the back. We were surrounded.

They BANGED on her door SHERIFF - OPEN UP. Her door wasn’t locked so they burst right in. I heard them yell DOWN ON THE FLOOR!!!

DO YOU HAVE DOGS??? Not any more. The Peke was old and blind and the Ho didn’t pay attention when she introduced her to her boyfriend’s house. The precious girl drowned in his pool.

Nope, no dog to bite the cops.

I freaked and closed my main door. To leave it open was a violation of Robin’s privacy. About five minutes later there was a knock on MY door. They wanted to ask me questions.

Two guys - the Fed Ex guy and a cop in a bulletproof vest. I don't remember the gun being out but I was freaked. Fucking bank – when did they get THIS kind of power.

I thought it was weird that the Fed Ex guy was with the cop. I started explaining that I didn't know it was against the law to NOT help a process server. The cop looked confused. I explained that she had been there twice and was a little menacing earlier this afternoon. He said “oh – the woman who was just here?” His facial expression said the woman was way out of line.

The Fed Ex guy asked about Robin and I told him she has had more knocks than anyone I know.  I told him I was worried about her being suicidal. That she's a good person. I asked myself why I was telling a Fed Ex personal details of my neighbor’s life.

And he asked about Kyle and I was suddenly very confused. He said “look me in the eyes - we're not here to hurt your friend and we're not here about the process server. We're here about the package."

Reality began to dawn. The Fed Ex guy was under cover. I turned into a two year old. I may have gasped. "Oh, the box has bad stuff in it?" And he – as if RESPONDING to a two year old - said “YES, very bad stuff.” And I'm thinking heroin.

I told him Kyle’s story. That he’s a good kid who made a mistake last summer. That he was in jail but he would NEVER have anything to do with sending drugs to his mother's house and jeopardizing her life. At that point I was thinking it might have been someone in the prison. Note to self – watch for large scary tattooed guys.

The three cop vans remained strategically positioned while they questioned Robin. The officer with the canine unit let his dog out near my lanai. Princess started barking and I told her there was no way she could take that dog. I asked the cop if his dog needed water and he said that would be great. All of a sudden he was a real person; we were just two dog people who cared about making sure the big guy was hydrated.

I went back inside and waited. I didn’t hear Robin and the sheriff vans left. If they left her, she would have come right over to explain what was going on. I assumed they had taken her in for questioning. I imagined I’d be next – they would need me to confirm whatever she said. I wasn’t worried because neither of us lie.

Shortly thereafter a fast black car pulled up. I recognize people by their cars and I didn’t recognize this one. There were two 40-ish guys in it. I thought maybe it was Robin's other son but then it occurred to me - "anyone who shows up now is the person who sent the package."

And the dark haired guy waved and smiled on his way up the steps. I heard him say “Hi mom” as he walked in her front door. It wasn’t locked. Was she still there?

Before I knew it the vans were back and the guy who drove the black car is suddenly spread eagle over the rail in front of my door.

I don’t know frisking etiquette. I imagine you want privacy. I just sort of shut my door. The drama was overwhelming. About five minutes later I opened the door to let the breeze flow through and saw that the cops were gone again. The black car was gone – everyone was gone.

I decided I had better shower and try to look halfway decent; it could be a long night. I might wind up downtown answering questions.

My hair was still wet when Robin came up to my screen. I expected the process server to appear behind her at any second.

The police hadn’t taken her. The dark haired guy who ran in to claim the box was the Ho’s boyfriend. She was with him in California. Apparently he mailed himself a few pounds of pot - to Robin's address in Kyle’s name. I am aghast that he dragged Robin and Kyle into it. Fortunately, he spent the night in jail.

This is a quiet neighborhood, I'm sure we're quite the buzz. Robin is OK but shaken. Kyle is not implicated in any way; he probably won’t find out about this for a long time. The ho may have been slightly inconvenienced and her boyfriend is crushed by the idiocy of his behavior. It’s also no picnic to see your first offense land in the local paper with a photo of you in all you’re orange glory. He paid $150 bail and he has an attorney now. I think he’ll get a slap on the wrist.

Me? I did a mental tally on the sheriff department man hours, dog hours, gas and surveillance charges. I’m thinking there are better ways to spend Lee County tax dollars. Give pot the same laws you give alcohol – as in driving under the influence of either is exactly the same; and dedicate the really important resources to chasing down the hard stuff.