Afternoon at the Everglades Skunk Ape Research Headquarters

I hung out in the Everglades all day today. I had to be forced into the Skunk Ape Attraction - the tackiness factor is OFF THE CHARTS.

And I was worried about the welfare of the animals on display. I had nothing to worry about.

I just about had to be forced to leave ... the guy who cares for these animals gave me a personal tour. He knows all the biological (?) names of all the critters. I thought he must have gone to school for it and asked him how he learned them so well.

He said "I got bit a lot." (He showed me his two biggest scars, one on the arm from one of the birds I held and another on his leg from a green iguana who tore out a chunk by laying in and giving a big twist.)

When I left he told the guys out front "watch her, she'll be back for DoDo if you give her half a chance." (The white bird.) DoDo was so loving he "regurgitated food for me". Beastmaster said he'd never seen him do that, said it was a huge compliment.

I haven't been puked on since a rock concert at Cobo Hall in the 70s.

Beastmaster went in with the big alligators and rubbed their sides so they'd hiss. (He said they're pretty tame, they were raised there.) He also teased a Nile Monitor by sort of nudging it on the side - it lashed it's tail like it wanted to kick his ass.

He said there's just nothing pleasant about those lizards. That one was captured in Cape Coral, the people thought it would make a cool pet. They were wrong.

If you're ever in the Naples area, head south on 41 and take in the sights. It was an amazing day.

Here's a link to their site. Don't be alarmed - the "Shooting Gallery" is photos:-)

http://www.skunkape.info/component/option,com_frontpage/Itemid,1/

Night of the Pilots

I am changing names to protect the guilty.

Sally hasn't been out in years and damned if she didn't decide hanging out with me at Fort Myers Beach bars could be fun that particular Saturday night.

She was sipping wine in a low cut sundress telling me about her ex when a drunk guy crawled into the Cottage Bar on hands and knees.

Noting designer sandals and painted toenails at 10 o clock, he lifted his head to find his nose nearly in her cleavage.

Apparently it was lust at first sight. The night was young and so was he.

Drunk ... bright blue eyes, sort of short with big muscles, bigger ego and close cropped blondish hair. Said he was from Minnesota. I asked if he was Finnish and he was like "how'd you know that?" Like I was psychic or something.

In Minnesota or northern Michigan, you just KNOW that with anyone who crawls into a bar.

He was babbling on ad nauseam about being a pilot and wanting us to go to Jimmie B's with him and I was getting really bored. Sally was starting to look irritated, despite the fact that it had been years since she had experienced bad attention. Which is always better than no attention at all.

I was wondering if our pilot had any supervision when the movie star walked in. Holy crap, tall with dark hair, sweet cheeks and kind blue eyes. Yes, they were pilots, yes, they flew a private jet, I won't say which executives they fly for.

Cash and American Express cards were at the ready ... and no, thank God, they weren't scheduled to fly out anytime soon.

He liked me, but that's just ridiculous. The words of rough, grizzled Uncle Buck from VSI ring in my ears ... "I like screwing older women. They're grateful." UB carried photos of nieces and nephews so he could hit on vulerable women at Parents without Partners meetings.

Uncle Buck was a truck expert at the automotive marketing company we worked for. A total piece of work; and a hoot to work with.

So I excused myself from the movie star, tore Sally away from Short Pilot and we headed off to Lani Kai. Deb and the Dynamics were there. So was ... I'll call her Marie.

Marie hasn't had sex in ten years. Every weekend she dances her libido into the sandy floors of the beach bars, where she knows every band and every band member by name. Every bartender, waitress, bouncer ... you name it.

She has a thing for a local guy who's about 10 years younger. He is GORGEOUS. Cougar jokes have been flying, but he has been oblivious to her advances; if you remain silent, you can hear her confidence grinding down the tubes.

Sally sat in a corner and drank at Lani Kai ... Marie danced and I hung between the dance floor and the bar trying to avoid eye contact with two HOTTTTT younger guys. I am not even attracted.

Despite the fact that they were straight out of True Blood ... dark and a little dangerous looking. Like Hungarian gypsies with long hair and brooding eyes.

We shall call them Ponytail and The Lurker.

The Lurker walked up and asked me "who do you worship?" It was a creepy venue for a spiritual question so I ignored him, thinking he must be high.

Ponytail - like Tall Pilot - was ALSO movie star handsome. He had beautiful eyes and a kind face, but he kept violating my space. I got vibes ... sure enough, pony tail is Buddhist. I said "you're light and he's dark" (talking about his brother) and he nodded. The Lurker just stared from the shadows.

I didn't want to get into anything spiritual or talk about psychic phenomenon since that's clearly what they were about; I kept fantasizing about going home to watch Psychic Kids with my dogs. I asked Marie and Sally if they were ready for Jimmy B's and they said YEAH.

So we were off again.

Jimmy B's was humbling after the adventure we had just left. There were maybe two available men - one was our age - tall with giant schnoz and a baseball cap. The other was older and kept touching our arms for attention, like Bodhi when she wants a scrap.

Like Grandma's buddies in the Dementia Ward.

Old Guy was getting on our nerves when I spotted the pilots. I waved them in - and hilarity ensued. Holy crap - drinking and dancing and laughter.

So many times guys our age will blow off women our age in favor of young babes. It was VERY WEIRD to be on the other end of that scenario.

Short Pilot was a wildman, so danced by himself when no one would dance with him. Tall Pilot was still hitting on me but I made it clear I was going home; alone.

Marie was happy to take over. Sally was having a great time ... my friends were safe and happy so I left.

I heard from Marie late the next morning. She told me how many bars Tall Pilot had on his uniform. She said she was afraid to get room service for fear it would be delivered by someone she knew and was terrified driving past her church for fear someone would recognize her car.

It's two weeks later and she still has that smile on her face.

Sally claims nothing happened ... except for having the most fun she's had in many years.

I'm not sure this means my friends have shape-shifted into real-live cougars, but I think it's quite possible. They're out for more this coming Saturday ... and hammering me into compliance.

I prefer vicarious thrills, so expect an update Sunday or Monday.

The Secret of a Good Relationship?

Once you have lured the object of your desire into your lair, chain him/her to a hook near your bed.

WHO HAS A HOOK NEAR THEIR BED??

Who has a lair, for that matter?

I heard this on the BBC this morning while driving in to work and laughed out loud. You have to look at the link - Boy George isn't the twinkly fairy we knew and tolerated back in the 70s(?).

Now he looks like The Penguin.

http://omg.yahoo.com/news/boy-george-guilty-of-false-imprisonment/16170

Well, The Penguin probably WOULD have a hook near his bed.

So who is this in the photo? Our resident Jamaican Model didn't know ... our Head Designer guessed Dolly Parton ... it is Tina Turner. She is getting slammed for this concert getup.

Despite the fact she's not nearly as attractive as a blonde, Tina is STILL my hero.

It's nice to be this shallow after months of pre-election stress. Of course this morning we all woke up to the crippled auto, mortgage and housing industries. They're throwing around words like "DEEP recession."

All ya can do is work harder, spend less and poke through the scary bullshit for sparkling bits of humor.

And that jackass who is attempting to sue the courts saying Obama is not qualified to be President because he is not American Born??? (Born in Hawaii to an American mom and African dad) ... omigod, that putz can just kiss my liberal ass.

The country has spoken.