End of Week Photo

We're allowed to bring our dogs to work. My friend Tiana came into my office to grab Princess for a quick cuddle and I got this on my cell phone.

I sent the photo around to other coworkers and one said "screw coming back as a bird - I want to come back as one of our dogs!"

I dunno ... to choose between being able to fly in the sky and dump on whoever you like or walk around on four legs with a human to scoop after you.

It's a tough call.

Weirdness, Words & My 15, 16, 17…Minutes

Weird to be south of the deep south, weird to have fallen in love with the skies and the birds and the Everglades, weird to be receiving emails, ads and promotions inviting me to go where I already am, weird to be writing at an agency where I’ll wake up on a Sunday morning to one of the Harley TV spots I wrote, weird to hear my scripts on radio as I drive in to work, weird to go into my bathroom and see my girls have peed on my print ad for the jewelry stores … nature’s way of keeping writers humble.

A number of us here at the agency are from the Detroit area and we watch what’s happening up north with a mixture of horror and pain. I saw an AdAge article where some guy said part of the problem with the car companies is all their creatives live in Detroit.

I WENT OFF – and am proud to have been quoted …(I think in the print edition – I’m not sure.)

“Jeff ... sorry man, you don't get it. The soul of the US auto companies is IN DETROIT. Their creative has to be there too, they have to LIVE AND BREATHE product to sell it properly.

The problem is not the incestuous nature of creatives vs. agencies in that town, it's the fact that top execs at the auto companies need to give their agencies the freedom to break old molds.

Meaningful creative is NOT designed by committee. I can imagine the amount of twitching & bitching that would have gone on in any meeting proposing a Hyundai-like guarantee wherein you can return your vehicle if you lose your job.

Break those molds people. Lead, don't follow.

I wrote for several of the big agencies over the years. During those times when I wondered if my work had meaning, I thought of family, friends and neighbors who were affected by our agency's ability to sell the cars they build.

EVERYONE in that town is dependent on the auto industry in one way or the other, from the woman who bags your bagels to the mailman. Their spouses or kids work for the manufacturers.

Some of us go back in the business several generations. We take personal pride in it.

That's why we call it MOTOWN. You won't find that level of knowledge and dedication anywhere else.”

http://adage.com/agencynews/article?article_id=133777

The night of Barack’s inaugural, I went to a local “ball” to be with the wonderfully mixed bag of people I’d enjoyed in two pre-election rallies. It was a night of celebration after all that blogging and ranting and terrorizing editorial columns. (Yeah, I know I got vicious about self-righteous aerial hunting Obama-bashing pro-riot Palin; and I don’t apologize one bit. I wish she would just go away.)

At 7:30 every attendee (who didn’t have a walker) joined in an Electric Slide that was synchronized to take place at the same time at every ball across the nation. FLASH. I walked in the next morning to have my coworkers standing in the lobby saying I was a celebrity. Emails were directed at “the dancing queen.”

The photo was planted in (what I consider) the keepsake inaugural edition. So I bought extra copies for my Granddaughters so years from now so they can laugh at how goofy (but involved) Grandma was “in the day.”

Yesterday I was in our lobby and noted a Gulfshore Business Magazine headline that looked familiar – “Who makes a better boss – men or women?” I’d been interviewed a month ago, but I thought it was for some newspaper article.

I opened to the article and they quoted the hell out of me, it was pretty cool. This particular quote was prominent …

"Fortunately, I have only suffered through two ‘Devil Wears Prada’ types. These are women who believe they have something to prove and heights to reach and they’ll leave bloody stiletto prints on anyone who gets in their way. These ladies are amusing as gal pals but nightmares to work for. I have watched ‘friends’ of this type track coworkers like prey and get them canned for sport."

My “Devil Wears Prada” types will never see the article and wouldn’t recognize themselves if they did.

Tuesday night an acquaintance asked me if I like to write. It goes beyond like or love - I said “it’s like breathing.” On a good day at work, it’s like getting paid to play.

Today our VP asked me for that quote I told him some weeks back; he wanted it for another magazine … he said it was something about the sky and the mountains. And I remembered my own quote; “God made Florida flat so there’d be more room for sky.”

The skies here are INCREDIBLE. You have to live it to know it. They take your breath away.

Cool that he remembered the quote and wanted to use it.

Cool that I get to do what I love –

and cool that I get to do it here.

“Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” (John Lennon.)

Designer Tasers

Make mine "electric blue ..."
http://adage.com/brightcove/lineup.php?lineup=1266084202&title=9160611001

Annabel & Me at Skunk Ape Research Headquarters

(Read the story below:-) And note that she was driving a Chrysler 300, not a Big Honkin' Cadillac.

Second Visit to the Skunk Ape Research Headquarters

The photo I’m using for this blog is Rick, Handler at the Skunk Ape Research Headquarters. (From December of 2008.) He wanted me to hear what an alligator’s “hiss” sounds like.

I have been hooked on Skunk Ape ever since.

Thank you Rick, I will never forget these visits!

Sunday, 1/24/09...

I haven’t seen my friend Annabel Cohen in about seven years. I fully believe she is a closet goy. Up until this day, I had no idea to what extent. She is a BIG TIME closet goy.

We reunited on Facebook, where we’ve been hanging out, chattering a bit. She told me she’s been staying with her family in West Palm Beach for the past month or so. She wanted to get together. Most people say that shit. Annabel means it.

A couple hours drive apart is way better than the 1450 miles to Bloomfield Hills, Michigan - where she lives. So one thing leads to another and I tell her about the Skunk Ape Research Center.

Now mind you, Annabel is a semi-celebrity author/caterer with cooking shows and celebrity connections in Detroit and her family is … well, you don’t get to West Palm by being poor.

Damned if Annabel wasn’t TOTALLY ENTHUSED about the notion of going to the Skunk Ape Research Headquarters. We arranged to meet on Sunday and I was looking forward to it.

I went to bed on Saturday night after a night of INCREDIBLE fun at Jimmie B’s on Fort Myers Beach. (Fodder for a later blog.)

I woke at 10 a.m. feeling like someone had jammed cotton wads up my nostrils. That was about the time I should have been leaving to meet her. I immediately grabbed the phone to give her a call – only to discover my voice was gone. I squeaked out enough information to tell her I was on my way.

Under normal circumstances I would have just done a whore bath and run, but I had actually pulled an old Annabel trick; I double-booked. I had a match date with a German guy in Naples on my way back.

So I showered, grabbed spare clothes (remembering how dirty I got last time I went to Skunk Ape) and rushed, absolutely terrified to leave her at the center without supervision.

I was about 45 minutes late and the Big Guy at the front desk said “you’re late.” I rushed through the gate to find Annabel was enjoying herself immensely. She was with a small family from Marco Island who said that out of all they had done during their stay, Skunk Ape was the most fun.

Their children – in fact the whole family – was ENTHRALLED.

Seeing Annabel at Skunk Ape was a total hoot. Poor Rick, I have to wonder what he was thinking. You get the sense he likes the critters way more than the people anyway. He has pet names for some of them ... Annabel wants him to name an alligator for her.

“Annabel the Alligator.” That became a common theme throughout our tour.

Annabel asked Rick how much shed reptile skin it would take to make a purse. He opened a snake crate to pull some out and let her feel it. And explained you have to kill the snake to make a purse, so she changed the subject.

We walked outside to another area (that I did not know existed), wherein he pulled a GIANT soft shelled tortoise out of a pond to show Annabel the belly … I know she's wondering how many people it would serve when she comes out with “I’ll bet he’s delicious.”

Rick made a 5’ gator purr. The gator wasn't happy, it was more like "get the eff away from me" ... it sounded like a tiger's purr.

We went into the emu enclosure and there were large shells everywhere … like they’d been gorging on giant escargot. Annabel started collecting them … I got two. Monkey see, monkey do. (I collect shells everywhere I go anyway.)

Then to the birds … and I am in heaven. Rick gave us more information … he said birds remember people who hold them. He didn’t remember me until I told him DoDo gacked on me (fed me) and he said “that’s right – he’s never done that with anyone else.”

If only I could find a guy like that ... sans gack ...

DoDo melted into me like butter, his little talons gently hanging onto my fingers. That is my favorite photo in years, I'm probably going to use it for this blog.

Annabel handled the fancier birds and Rick got one of the great vibrantly colored variety to spread wings for a photo. She has not sent that yet!!! I can’t wait to have it!

She was wearing black and had bird dander all over her.

Anyway, I am totally in heaven around the critters. It was a warm day, the enormous pythons were stretching full-length in their enclosures and I wasn’t even creeped out. It was all very peaceful. Like the Garden of Eden must have been.

We bought Skunk Ape tees, which we will wear with pride, left donations for critter food and thanked Rick PROFUSELY. If you guys read this blog, thanks again – God Bless you all, I will be back with friends!

Here's a link to their site - http://www.skunkape.info/

Then I had to find someplace exotic for Annabel to eat. I wondered if she had ever been to a biker bar … the Iron Rhino was on our way back to I-75.

It seemed like 50 miles getting there, I’m sure it was less, but she was calling me every 5 minutes. Her in her Great White Cadillac, me leading in my Piece of Shit Saturn. (She asked how it felt to be suddenly poor and I said “it’s OK – I live in paradise.”)

We pulled up to the Iron Rhino and her eyes lit up like stars. Bikes as far as the eye could see. Hunky bikers in leather. She noted with some satisfaction that the biker babes had young bodies and old, tough faces.

Good times.

Annabel said this was the first time she'd ever been in a biker bar; at which point I noticed she was wearing PEARLS. Which felt incredibly inappropriate until I realized she'd worn them to Skunk Ape as well.

You can take Annabel out of Bloomfield, but you can't take the Princess out of Annabel.

We had burgers at a table near the window so we could see the action. I knew some of the bikers, which was hilarious. I’d met two of them the previous evening at Jimmie B’s – we got quite a laugh out of that. They were bombed at the time and had told me more about their lives than they might have shared under more sane circumstances.

My voice was so gone, I squeaked more than laughed.

Annabel and I ate, wandered, got a few biker hugs and said our good-byes.

I had my date on the way back – first a drink at Uno’s, then he wanted me to see his place. A very handsome guy with a wonderful accent. There was zero chemistry, mentally or physically. Plus I think he’s probably just looking for a boff buddy.

I’m getting to like the Monastic Life. I bought a new shirt that says it all.

“Freedom.”

Freedom to go where I like with whoever I like and meet whoever I like.

Life is very, very good.

Even "poor" is fine by me.

Letterman says good-bye to Bush.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KogebxJkHig

Note to Women: Screw Being a Good Samaritan.

Don't you just want to neuter the arrogant jackass in this photo? (Well I'd also like to have a lengthy chat with the victim to his left.)

I am catching up with my blogging. This blog is really important.

From 1/19/09 ....

I think we women get to this place in our heads where we forget not everyone is a local, not everyone can be trusted.

xxx is like most of us - genuinely caring of friends and strangers. So xxx and I were hanging out and talking yesterday.

She said "I wasn't going to tell you about this but I'm going to." We were at CinCin Friday night. Before midnight this guy spotted us and bought us drinks. (We didn't even want them, we were about ready to leave.)

He made fun of some very attractive guys who had walked in. I thought that was weird.

He bought us both wine - about $8/glass. I didn't want anything more to drink - I took one sip and put it back on the table. He seemed upset by that and insisted we take our drinks with us.

I don't steal restaurant glasses.

He struck me as a trust fund guy ... tall and googly with more money than brains. Brown hair ... sort of preppy dresser. He said his name was Jeff. He was maybe 36 and he "seemed" to be very drunk.

Everyone - including the "very attractive guys" were going to the Buddha Bar so we did go. I've never been. It's close, I decided to meet them there.

At the Buddha Jeff wanted to dance and I couldn't stand the arm-waving way he danced or the cigarette smoke, so I made an excuse to leave. I also would not chug the shots he bought. He was VERY insistent. That struck me as odd too.

xxx said Jeff 's friends convinced her to drive him home because he was so drunk. Like most of us, I'm sure xxx thinks drunk means helpless and fairly manageable if they become a problem. That HAS been my experience.

He lives in a gated community on McGregor (very confusing to get into and even more confusing/scary to get out of.) She pulled up and wanted him out of her car, basically. He grabbed her car keys from the ignition and ran upstairs to his place.

She had to follow him to get them, at which point he magically "sobered up", hauled off and smacked her hard across the face. (xxx is probably 5'0" and maybe 100 lbs.) He was about 6' tall and wiry.

Then he raped her. She remembers trying to relax so he wouldn't do too much damage.

He was such a psycho he said "now let's go to bed and do it right" and she played along by saying "let me go to the bathroom first, I'll be right in" and the second his back was turned she ran. She said she would have run naked.

His condo is close to CinCin. She said he told her he had a child but she saw no toys. The place was upscale - very nice, neat and clean like he may be married.

She has totally blanked out on where it is now. She figured the cops would never believe her so she didn't file a report.

I'm making it my job to spread word so other women know he's dangerous. Remember the key trick. This guy has probably done this before.Remember he's very generous about buying drinks ... too generous and very insistent.

We can't sic the cops on him, but we can spread the word. I talked to two cops personally - one retired and one still active duty ... they were both furious; one by the fact that xxx was so naive - the other by the fact that sex crimes like this "happen all the time".

I would give just about anything to nail this guy. Well, hopefully word will get out. Maybe someone else he's raped will see this and we can actually get him arrested; but people will have to step forward.

If you're looking for love, adopt a dog.

This is a photo of my Shih Tzu hanging out with my neighbor's cat when we first moved here. Mine is the door to the right, Kandy's is the door to the left.

My townhouse on stilts is only the second building from a busy street. There is one small 4-unit condo between me, a busy 2-lane and the gorgeous golf course beyond.

One day I was out and I saw a Shih Tzu wandering on our cul de sac a short distance from the BUSY road where the speed limit is 35 but jackasses drive 70.

And I picked the dog up and looked around - there was an upstairs condo with the door wide open. So I went up there and knocked - no answer - then I yelled in DID SOMEBODY LOSE A DOG???

And I frightened a somewhat drugged out looking skinny blonde, about my age.

And she said yeah, that's (can't remember the name) and she was grateful. I told her she needed to be careful about leaving her door open. She said the dog is old and going blind and her friends keep telling her to put him down, but she can't do that.

What I wanted to say but didn't - GET NEW FRIENDS.

Now let me tell you Kandy - my next-door neighbor - owns an 11 year old blonde Pekingese who is nearly fully blind and that little dog is as much of a delight as a sighted dog - just as happy, just as functional, just as sweet to interact with.

Anyway, I walked away from the skinny druggie without another thought. I noticed that unlike most of us, when she takes him down to do his business, she doesn't leash him. And she's very distracted.

Just little warning signals going off in my head.

So Friday night I had gone to CinCin and had a wonderful time. I am getting strong from all the yoga and beach walks and guys are just crawling out of the woodwork.

One Italian looking guy was just gaga ... he said he knew he could fall in love with me. (?!) I said "friends first." He implied he felt the same way. Very muscular, a great dancer, nice to talk to. Has an ability with four syllable words. (Amazing in this town.)

He said he was very spiritual - asked for my number and wanted to take me to a movie on Saturday.

It's all very pleasant, but I have also been celibate about a year now and I'm viewing it as part of my healing process.

Saturday morning I was tired, but I went to yoga - which was awesome - then walked the beach. At which time I met an absolute Adonis - holy shit, tanned and tall and dark with a short graying beard. On his bike wearing only shorts, shades and a helmet. (He could have modeled for 300; Gladiator fantasy comes into play ...)

I thought I recognized him from Fort Myers Beach and asked "is your name Tommy?" He grinned a perfect white toothy grin and said "No, try again."

This guy was a movie star. I'm thinking he's my age. So many are YOUNGER and I have trouble wrapping my brain around a teensy one.

Anyway, we talked for about 15 minutes. I told him I had come from yoga. He said he's a personal trainer on Sanibel - said it gets pretty boring counting to 12 all the time. And then he said "you're going to give me your number now." That was SO sexy. He must be a total player. And he pulled out his cell phone and programmed my number.

Anyway, I was in a bathing suit top that lacked adequate structural reinforcement ... and shorts ... and the fact that a guy like that hit on me. Wow. Maybe he's lowering his standards ...

So we said our goodbyes, I did my walk, and I've got to tell you I was WIPED OUT. Sure enough the guy from Friday night calls and he wants to take me to a movie. He loves Clint Eastwood. In my head I'm thinking Eastwood lost my respect when he took off his shirt in Bridges of Madison County. I threw up a little bit in my mouth.

God I can be so shallow sometimes. But people have to be realistic about their stage in the aging process. Maybe that's not possible in Hollywood.

So I'm thinking before I meet him I'll grab a nap. I have my bedroom window open - my bedroom is right above the front door. And I hear a knock on my next-door neighbors door and talking. Then there's a knock on mine. I'm thinking DAMN. Naw, really I'm thinking FUCK.

It's a middle-aged guy with long brown hair holding the skinny druggie's Shih Tzu. And he asks "is this your dog?" And I said "no, mine are right here - but I know who owns it."

So I walked him over to the other condo and wait below while he goes upstairs to knock. He said there was no answer but he could hear people talking. And he came back down and I was pissed.

He actually seemed pleased they didn't answer the door.

Somehow within a 20 foot walk we silently made up our minds that the best thing for the dog would be that skinny druggie would NEVER KNOW her dog had been found by someone who WOULD love him until the end of his days. Which could be soon. Which might have been immediate had Rick not found him.

Rick could see the dog was blind and he showed me his throat - no collars, no tags. I'm guessing her friends might have let him loose to die.

If she ever winds up living in a refrigerator box, I hope she remembers there's this little thing called KARMA.

I asked Rick if there was anything he needed because it was clear he was keeping the dog. (If he didn't I would have - which would have been dicey with the skank living so close.)

And he said no, but he told me where he lived. I will probably check on him to see if they're doing OK.

And oh - the date? It was awful. He seemed shorter and older, although he still smelled good. He asked what I wanted to eat before the movie - he wanted pizza but told me to pick. I'm thinking of every mistake I made when I met Randy so I actually told him what I wanted - an antipasto.

He talked about working out with weights every day ... then he told me about his hip replacements.

We talked about dogs and he made some comment about "when my hunting dog couldn't hunt any more, I had her put down." I imagined horrible illness and let it slide.

Then he bought two SENIOR tickets at the movies. That's a moment that will hang in my subconscious for the rest of this lifetime. Ugh. I'd rather pay the two extra dollars per person than come off like the Costanzas on Seinfeld.

He couldn't wait to see the movie - Gran Torino - and I thought I was gonna die. It was like it was real time, even worse than Bridges of Madison County. (Am I the only woman who hates that movie?) I watched for consistencies and production values; I don't know what was worse, the script or the acting. They need to shave at least 30 minutes. But then last night WASN'T about the movie.

Afterwards he asks if I want to go for a drink and the place was on my way to where I parked my car so I said OK.

I can't remember where it started downhill like a friggin luge ... he made some sexual remark. I could feel my back tighten. (Yoga is amazing for putting you in touch with your body.) And I straightened up and (proudly) said "it has been about a year for me."

And he put his arm around my waist (I have one now) and says "it's time to change all that."

I'm thinking bite me.

And I say "no, I'm perfectly happy sleeping with my dogs."

And he looks grossed out. I confess, that was the desired effect.

He said "how is there room?" Well, my bed is big as an aircraft carrier and my dogs are small; but he will never find out.

Then he starts telling me we only have so much time left to live. I'm thinking of all these stories we all heard about soldiers going off to WWII ... "I might die over there, this could be our last night together" and I just wanted to tell him to GO FUCK HIMSELF.

And I said "but I thought you were spiritual. When you're deeply spiritual, you don't see life that way." I explained the Hanged Man in Tarot, how in centuries past they thought if they hung upside down their sexual energies would go to head and heart.

He was clearly aghast. Again, the desired effect.

And we get into this big discussion where it is very clear he's all talk, doesn't have an ounce of spirituality. He only knows John Edwards the politician. He keeps repeating that, old guy talk - like saying the same dumb thing twice makes him clever. (This is a retired Civil Engineer - he's no dummy.)

We got up to leave and he wanted to walk me to my car. I said "no thanks, it's a long way." And he says "mine is right here - I'll drive you." Me - envisioning some gross pawing scenario said "no thanks, I'll walk."

If he attempted to follow, I know I could outrun him with those fake hips.

I was so relieved to be out of there. I got home and my cell phone rang - it was him. (It rang again as I write this.)

I can't answer until I calm down. I am PISSED. I REALLY DO NOT LIKE BEING TREATED THAT WAY.

He needs to go find himself a tramp. There are plenty of women - of all ages - who think a blow job is equivalent to a handshake. Find one, they're there.

I am still pissed. Hated the movie, disliked the company and absolutely DESPISED the bait and switch from a friendly movie to inappropriate sexual pressure.

The next time I talk to him - if I do - I will just say we're not on the same page.

So this morning, my precious Sunday morning I used to love so much with Randy. This morning I wake up happy and rested and there is Bodhi on her back staring at me with her beautiful adoring eyes and Princess the rescue dog cuddling up - so happy we found her.

Just a few moments of absolute love.

My dogs will never be on the street, if money gets that tight, they will have food before I'll feed myself. I think God gave us dogs so we'd know what real love is.

My life is pretty amazing overall.

Happy New Year

Just another night at the Lighthouse Tiki Bar in Fort Myers Beach. I'll leave real names out, but a regular is happy to suck a friend's toes after she complained her boyfriend won't.

She didn't slip off flip flops, she untied Reebocks she'd been wearing all day, so imagine the potential gooiness.

The Boyfriend sat across from them looking relieved that someone else was willing to take on the job.

I now live in a place where the "deep south" is "up north", snow is something we see on the weather channel and my favorite Chinese restaurant has windows.

Last year my New Year's resolution was that I would no longer suffer idiots. That has held true and become a permanent part of my being. If the person doesn't sign my paycheck, I won't take any of their shit.

This year's resolution is that I will watch myself for assumptions, preconceptions and ... oh, just generally be more open.

I thought Florida would be all Jesus freaks and snakes. It's all a matter of watching where you go; and most of the time neither will bother you if you don't bother them. I avoid churches and tall weeds just to be sure.

Prior to the elections, I was making assumptions about who people were voting for. One friend said "don't assume I'm a Republican just because I'm from Virginia." Another majorly hot blonde Baptist guy from Kentucky high fived me when he saw my Obama sticker. ?!?

And then I had to be dragged into the Skunk Ape Research Center in the Everglades and nearly had to be dragged out because I enjoyed it so much. (See previous post.) I was riled when other Michiganders assumed the guys who run the place are skinheads because they shave their heads. (If every guy with a shaved head down here was a skinhead, I guess our state flag would be a swastika.)

I was assuming people would think less of me for driving a piece of shit hooptie ... wherein they actually admire anyone whose vehicle is paid off.

I dunno, I just need to just stop assuming. That's my job this year.

In this New Year I am most grateful for:

Living in paradise, where there are so many new places to discover
Being able to pay my bills
Having a great job with people I love
That all my family up north is happy and healthy
New friends like Connie and Kamla
Iyengar Yoga which is doing wonderful things for my stamina and well-being
Obama making moves that will hopefully usher in a whole new era
That most of the haters have finally shut the F up

I am most annoyed by:

What's happening in Michigan
The Shamwow commercials; although I would do that irritating Oxy-clean guy. Something about the black beard ...
The Hellman's Mayonnaise commercials with the woman who acts like she's choked up by the naturalness of the ingredients ... "say yes to REAL" ...

I had two whole weeks off for the holidays - all the time in the world to go up north and see my family, but not the money and not the stamina. That's the biggest bummer of all.

I thought "what will I do with two whole weeks off??" Now that it's almost over I wonder how I can go back to my regular life with that whole WORK thing.

I have gone to extra yoga classes, walked Fort Myers and Bunche Beaches regularly, seen old friends, met new ones, slept in and taken many naps.

I am rested for the first time in years.