Night of the Six Guys

Just feeling grossly inappropriate tonight. (Reference to demotivator.)

I thought Donna was at Jimmy B's tonight ... which is a fair assumption being as it's Friday and all.

I just wanted to go to the Tiki Bar and watch the Wings/Penguins.

What an abysmal loss that was. Holy shit. Wound up yelling obscenities in the ear of a guy formerly from Providence, Rhode Island.

He seemed to enjoy it.

He was with a guy with noticeable hair plugs and 70s chains who was not-so-discreetly fingering his middle-aged bleached blonde girlfriend as she sat on his lap. (She may have been a rental.) The only thing he was missing was a Members Only jacket. Oh, yeah - and a little class.

As the jerkoff sucked face with the ho, his buddy told me about having MS and confessed he doesn't get out much. We talked about what a pleasure being a hermit can be and how much it sucks to force ourselves to be social.

He told me his great aunt has a giant container of sea glass from the St. Lawrence Seaway that would make great jewelry, his gay roommate takes shit from the other waiters and he's been designing saltwater fishing lures; he's going to email me for pointers on getting his lures sold online.

After Rhode Island left, a good looking guy with big muscles and cool tattoos sidled up to me. Not often you get to use the word "sidled". But that's what he did.

I inspected the tatts ... one arm was a very fancy cross, the other was "OM". I asked if he was Buddhist or did yoga and his eyes glazed over like he was channeling an entity from some other dimension.

I said I am a Buddhist who does yoga. He slurred that he's a "minister" of sorts, spiritual enough to "handle" his booze and cigarettes.

Well, ya coulda fooled me.

He talked about his ability to draw good things from the universe. I said "You're into The Secret?"

And his eyes lit up like stars.

I hate The Secret. Like there isn't enough greed and striving out there as it is.

Then he was JUST drunk enough to decide he was going to show me how psychic he is. I hate when people do that. I especially hate when I get drunk enough to do that; but this time it was someone else.

First thing he did was put my hand between his two without touching. Of course you can feel an energy.

Then he looked into my eyes and gave me a "knowing" look. It was so rehearsed I almost laughed out loud. He said "your husband should have never done that to you."

Naturally, I'm thinking "which husband?" So ... wow, it's really mean to play with drunk guys trying to show off how psychic they are, but I did. I said "tell me more." He said "left you for that dark haired woman."

I wanted to say "none of my husbands ever left me for someone else" but it sounded stupid even thinking it. The quantity negates the quality. Sort of like when my mom said her Collie won third place in an obedience contest and I jokingly asked if there were three dogs entered and she had to confess yes.

So I just shook my head "no."

And he said "well maybe blonde or brunette ... or something."

Lord.

And I couldn't shake the guy. So I asked a big white haired guy with a nice tee emblazoned with the name of some premium whiskey (RED FLAG!!!) where he got his cell phone cover. In one fell swoop I was able to shake Tattoo Guy and get invited to a night or two of passion with Premium Whiskey guy.

There would be one more indecent (yet age-appropriate and very flattering) proposal before the night was over:-)

The two older gentlemen to my right had decided it was their job to buy me beverages all night; three Coors Lights. They were from Sarasota, working (drinking) their way down to the Keys and staying at Matanzas for the night. I danced a slow one with the older of the two dudes and he ... well crap, he was a grinder/groper. Ugh. And he grabbed my ass as I was leaving.

The Wings lost, Donna had actually stayed home for once and I had forced myself to LEAVE home for once.

I actually met some nice people and had a good time. This hermit shit has got to stop.