The Pursuit of Happiness

I remember a long time ago ... I was very unhappy with my second husband. (Don't judge me - I have been a serial marrier:-)

And I went to see a shrink and he asked me "what makes you happy?" I couldn't think of ANYTHING. Fortunately, I had some wisdom at that time. I didn't blame my lack of happiness (there is a difference, I think, between unhappiness and lack of it) on my now ex. But the situation did become unbearable over time.

Fast forward 16 years.

In Buddhism we seek inner peace, not happiness. Happiness is fleeting, it always has the seed of discontent.

Yesterday was a stellar example of the principle. It was an incredible day here in SW Florida. The BF wanted to take the boat out and try our hand at fishing. Joking that we wouldn't know what we caught if we caught it, I rushed out and bought a license. I hoped he would forsake the beer cooler since it wasn't even noon yet; but I was naive.

He barked at me that I had taken too long getting my license. I left him last winter because the emotional abuse was overwhelming ... but now, with my own condo, my own car and my own job - he is not the main course in this meal of life. He is only dessert when I choose to hang out.

I considered telling him to go alone but he caught himself. When you know what they're doing, when you learn about the abusive relationship, the awareness makes it all a little less painful. Knowledge is power. (Read "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship" if you're in a relationship like this. It talks about the dynamic that brings people like us together ... we are moths to a flame drawn to others with flawed childhoods.)

Back to the day. In our two most recent boating escapades he damaged the boat. One day we will not be so lucky. You would think with the time consuming and sometimes expensive repairs he has had to make in the past month or two, he would realize maybe the problem is more him than the boat.

So I am very careful about going out with him.

Yesterday was incredibly beautiful. He had an idea about where to go in the Caloosahatchee River (which feeds out into the Gulf of Mexico) and we anchored across from the Yacht Club in Cape Coral. The tide was coming in and boats were passing. The sun was warm and I put my feet out over the back where they would be splashed; and enjoyed myself.

We started catching Sea Trout. They were beautiful, I was not prepared for that - the colors, the eyes. The BF told me to feel one and it was like satin, you could feel no scales. He said they have natural "bling" and we laughed. We released them - I think there were 12 in all. There was something big down there - several of our lures were chopped right off. They're heavy duty plastic. He said "whatever that was, we wouldn't have wanted it in the boat anyway."

We listened to CCR, Hendrix and Queen. It was idyllic. The BF was going easy with the beers, drinking very slowly. And I remember thinking "I'm happy" ... but feeling anxious about it. And I remembered the Buddhist concept of happiness having the potential for discontent.

So I just tried to shove the discontent out of my mind. When the fish stopped biting, we trolled into the Bimini Basin and I caught one more trout.

It was fun. But I was getting overheated and sunburned - I wanted to go home. The BF trolled us back to the house. That's around the time I realized that even with a minimum of beer, he was drunk.

We got into the house and he started slamming things, repeating himself every two minutes and talking loudly over the movie I wanted to watch. He wanted me to go get burgers. I had been drinking beer too - I said no. I said I would get us pizza if he wanted.

Nothing I said was right, no suggestion to his liking. So I finally ordered from Sal's online. It cost $35 I really didn't want to spend. I am so careful with money these days.

He ate, sobering some, but taking great care to complain every five minutes. He looked across at me and accused me of not "reading" (he reads two books a week - fiction). I said I do read, only it's the real stuff - NONfiction.

In his brain I had somehow slipped off into the "inadequate" zone. Is there anything more exhilarating than slamming the person who puts up with you? I work 45 hours a week while he relaxes all winter.

Drunks should have some little "crown" that appears so the world can acknowledge their brilliance and absolute control. I asked him if he realized he was being a bitch and he glared. When he started snoring, I went to bed.

I dreamed I was in my Grandma's blue living room again. I keep having that dream since she passed. I think she's pulling me in there with her. She loved that house. I grew up there. Also yesterday one of the dogs' squeeze toys made a very subtle moan. I always like it when Gram visits. I guess she follows me, even at the BF's place.

When I awakened, I pulled Bodhi (the little black and white Shih Tzu in my photos) up on me before getting out of bed and gave her many scratches about the head and chin. Then I realized that the rare times when happiness DOES appear without the seed of discontent it is in the presence of animals. A dog on the lap, curled asleep ... a cat's gentle pur. They are the only source of unconditional love; and so deserving of it themselves.

Interactions with humans take so much work.

Anyway. The BF wants to go to Picnic Island today. I have no idea what mood he's going to be in when he gets up. Picnic has disaster written all over it. Other friends are going to Sanibel today by boat and the husband loves to drink with the BF. That's who he should go with.

I'd prefer to hang out with my dogs and get shit done. That's what will give me peace.