Do It Yourself Demotivator Tool!!

Holy crap, I love you Despair.com!! I just made this demotivator myself with a classic photo I snagged off the internet a few years back!

Check it out and start making your own - http://diy2.despair.com/

Now I need to track down heinous photos of friends and family and raise a little hell... :-)

Nobody is safe ... bwooohahahahah ...

Afternoon with a Tibetan Buddhist Monk

I'm thinking in this photo the venerable Konchok Tharchin should probably be doing a "thumbs up"; he is an utterly cool guy. Calm and peaceful with a smile that echoes down to the bottoms of his burgundy socks.

About Ven. Konchok Tharchin.

He's 29 years old, an ordained monk from the Drikung Kagyu lineage of Tibetan Buddhism. He is a Sankrit scholar and expert on Buddhist sutras and texts. He received some of his education in Boston, learning by day and working as a paramedic at night. He teaches on Buddhist topics throughout Florida and is on call in Tampa area hospitals when dying patients request a Buddhist monk.

(Allow me to digress and explain my accidental path to Buddhism. If you don't care, please scroll to skip everything in italics.

Inhaling deeply to describe a 34 year spiritual path without periods or semicolons - was raised Jehovah's Witness since I was 2, married an elder, had an epiphany on the operating table when the doctor who was performing the C-section said "she has rH negative blood" (JWs won't accept blood transfusions for themselves or their children), left my husband, took my son and bailed out of the religion, went atheist for about 6 months while the holocaust series was big on TV (mid 70s), realized I had accidentally confused God with religion, started praying again, started reading Wayne Dyer (as other recovering JWs went through therapy), realized Dyer was Deepak Choprah lite, read Choprah, realized he was the Hindu scriptures and Upanishads lite, was reading the Upanishads when I encountered a Korean Buddhist monk at the Shot show in Vegas. (I won't waste your time by telling you how I wound up at the Shot Show.)

That wonderful experience in the weirdest of places was transformative. I had an opportunity to spend four or five days with a monk and an elderly woman who lived on-site at the temple. Again, that's a whole 'nother story.

So after meeting them, in time, solidly on this more direct path, I bought "Awakening the Buddha Within" by Lama Surya Das. I pounded it into my brain. I bought the tapes and listened every time I got in my car.

The tapes are toast but the book is still my Bible. I have given away many copies.

So I moved to South Fort Myers and have been blessed to find what I did NOT expect to find here; a spiritual community, a "sangha". One day after yoga at Health and Harmony on McGregor in Fort Myers I nearly walked into the Tibetan monk who had arrived to conduct class in our yoga room.

That was like someone offering to give me a handful of diamonds. Of course I stayed.

That was the class where the monk boiled Buddhism down into three basic points. (I will probably get some of this wrong, I have writer's brain - I change words when I really don't mean to):

1 - Be generous/compassionate

2 - Do no harm

3 - Tame the mind

I was able to talk to the monk after that first session and found out he has local contacts. I asked the owner of Health & Harmony to bring him back; she thought he lived too far away. When I told her he is often nearby, she arranged to have him come back. So I was looking forward to this for a long time.

I thought the class would be about an hour. It was to be three hours. I had done yoga in the same room and 3 more hours of floor time ... went amazingly fast.

The attendees at these things are always fascinating. Some dress like gypsies or fortune tellers, they have their wrists covered in mala beads. One had an elegant pashmina shawl. If they could, they might have brought sherpas. I always wonder what goes on in monk minds when they see American women act out this way. I wonder if they laugh a little.

We weirdos always sit in the front row on cushions and blankets.

Less demonstrative folk sit in chairs near the walls. One woman sat in a chair and I noticed she had a problem with her feet - they didn't reach the floor. I got her a bolster so she could sit comfortably.

The Ven. Konchok Tharchin was about 15 minutes late. That was hilarious. Nobody cared. There is no more gentle, upbeat audience than a bunch of people interested in Buddhism.

He seated himself on a layering of about three cushions - one square, one round ... then I lost track. He was in heavy burgundy robes with a deep magenta tee underneath:-) I imagined him in TJ Maxx thinking "this is as close to burgundy as it gets."

Once he had himself in place he said something like "Here in the United States punctuality is very important." We all laughed. He would bring that up throughout.

This class was "Four Thoughts that Turn the Mind to Enlightenment." My description of the thoughts is accurate, but I sum up what he said in my own way; I hope I'm true to his intention.

THE FIRST THOUGHT THAT TURNS THE MIND: the good fortune of obtaining a precious human birth.

No other living/breathing creature lives as many years as we do. We never stop to think about and appreciate that fact.

Note that all in attendance were so quiet you could hear a tummy gurgle. Unfortunately, it was mine, I hadn't had time to eat. An older woman came in the door, said "I'm here" and waved. She sat against the wall next to the woman who needed a bolster for her feet. Within moments her phone rang and rang and rang as she desperately tried to find it in an enormous bag. People who move here love steel drum ringtones.

The monk never skipped a beat.

Shortly after shutting off her phone the woman dozed off and started snoring gently. I shared a smile with the woman to her right.

THE SECOND THOUGHT THAT TURNS THE MIND: the universality of impermanence.

We all die. We need to be grateful for our years and use them wisely.

He has attended many deaths - both as a monk and as a paramedic. He has also met with people who have been told they don't have long to live. In many cases there is a joy to it because it is the first time they truly APPRECIATE the moments/hours/days.

The woman who had dozed off raised her hand and said when her father died she saw a pillar (?) of white light. I can't remember the exact word she used.

The monk's face lit up. "Clear light" he said. He talked about that phenomena, how it can occur when a wise person passes and a wise person is there to see it. Something like that ...

I want to look it up, I've never heard of it.

THE THIRD THOUGHT THAT TURNS THE MIND: Karma - cause and effect.

He gave a powerful example that was pretty upsetting. He has a friend who was a big game hunter, I didn't think I'd be able to write about it but I think I need to share it.

One day his friend shot a large deer. The animal crawled TO him as if to say "why did you kill me?"

And the deer had a fawn.

This is not legend, this is not Disney, this is someone the monk knows personally.

The monk said we need to consider these four things when we reflect upon our actions.

What was your:

1 - Intention
2 - Action
3 - Result
4 - State of mind after the action

In this case:

Intention - his friend wanted another head to hang on the wall.
Action - he took aim and pulled the trigger.
Result - he killed a sentient being.
State of mind - remorse.

This monk adds a fifth consideration; what did you do with the experience?

His friend changed, he took full responsibility for what he had done and stopped killing. He raised the fawn, which the monk says is "an old deer now:-)"

Note that this whole experience would have been much different if the original intention had been to acquire food for his family.

THE FOURTH THOUGHT THAT TURNS THE MIND: The nature of samsara - cyclic existence.

We live, we die, we are born again.

Some Buddhists theorize that babies cry because it's like "oh no, not again!" As they grow they fall into step with the new life, accepting the pleasures and the pains.

He said science has shown there is no reason why people sleep. In Buddhism, it is said "we sleep so we can know how to die."

He talked about how the state of our mind at death affects our next lifetime. If we pass in an angry state, we are reborn to an angry state.

If we are clinging to things we may become "ghosts" who "search for what they cannot find." (About attachment "Don't get attached; it is not what you get attached to, but the attachment itself" that brings pain.)

If we die in a peaceful place, we are reborn to a peaceful place.

He talked about a woman in India who was robbed and stabbed in her rural home; when they found her, a blood trail showed she had crawled to her home altar to die.

Buddhists believe a type of awareness stays with the bodies from several hours to about 49 days after death.

HE TOLD US HOW TO DIE.

He said "if you die quickly, please try to remember this. Release anger and sadness; apologize."

I LOVE THIS: There is no concept of heaven in Buddhism because "it does not serve others".

"When we die, two things follow; consciousness and karma."

Most do not remember past lives.

IF YOU HAVE DONE GOOD DEEDS THIS DAY YOU CAN SPREAD YOUR GOOD KARMA AROUND.

Share it with others through a merit dedication prayer.

Thank you Ven. Konchok Tharchin for sharing these teachings.

Professionally Speaking: Surviving the Suckiness

Saturday night, here on the couch with my dogs watching Jerry McGuire because I can't rationalize HBO (as much as I crave True Blood) and I won't spring for Showtime (as much as I miss Weeds).

Had a great day, an hour and a half of intense yoga followed by three more hours in the same room with a Tibetan monk and 25 reverent listeners.

Three hours is a very long time. Most of us were sitting on the floor on blankets and cushions.

One woman came in wearing thick black shoes - I didn't know if it was some fetish thing or a serious foot problem. It was the latter. When she sat on the chair her feet didn't reach the blanket she had folded below. I asked if I could add a bolster and she was very grateful.

One older woman with a "Clergy" tag came in late. Her purse started ringing shortly after she sat (people down here have an affinity for steel drum ringtones). It took about 6 rings for her to locate the phone in her GARGANTUAN leather bag and another 3 minutes of fumbling to shut the thing off.

She crossed her legs at the ankles and snored softly through part of the lecture. Her toenails were painted the color of construction cones.

One of the Buddhist themes he talked about today was "interconnectedness". Tonight I intended to write about the importance of sucking up, helping each other within the professional community and appreciating the *&^% out of all good things that come our way ... but it's all pretty much the same.

Interconnected.

So I'm here at home, doing my a.d.d. thing here, watching the movie, checking my email - and I see I have about four messages from clients. It's Saturday night. I should be at my favorite Tiki Bar on Fort Myers Beach ... but my priorities have changed.

Two of the emails are from the most tedious client in the history of the world. He talks like the ingredients label on a bottle of generic acetominophen. I'm going to need a day or so to hype myself into a level of perkiness that will mask my frustration.

He has developed and now sells a line of hair restoration products and lasers. Ironically, he is cause and cure for part of my problem. My bathroom is full of product and a floor laser is within spitting distance as I type this. (No, I don't spit. Not intentionally, anyway.)

I am noticing a difference; but I feel like I've sold my soul for fuller follicles.

I could not afford these treatments without the trade and he is lucky to have found me (on craigslist); his old marketing materials might as well have been written in Sanskrit.

The other two emails were from a great potential client.

Here's a question I get asked sometimes. When does your workweek end? If there's work coming in, my workweek NEVER ends. That's just how it is.

After weeks without any work I learned a hard lesson:

You have to do your BEST work for EVERY client WHENEVER they want it; otherwise ANY project could be your last.

This is what I've learned from this sucky economy.

Not that I'm poster child for survival, but everyone who is looking for a job or hating the job they have really needs to think about this stuff:

NEVER stop looking for work. Hit craigslist daily; don't just search your city, search your region.

NEVER leave home without your business cards. Smeared numbers on damp cocktail napkins might get you laid but they won't get you paid.

WHAT DO YOU DO? More important - what's NEW with what you do? Over the years our capabilities grow.

Some of my friends were confused when they heard about the videos I was working on. They thought I was "just a writer." That was a wake-up call. I do offer a variety of important marketing services these days. I had to go back in and change my resume and website.

I had a friend years back who was way into car components. His company had him describing the function, repair and maintenance of equipment they manufactured; then they laid him off. That weekend - freaked - he showed me a large stack of the materials he'd created. He didn't even realize he was a TECHNICAL WRITER! We changed his resume. Within a month he went from grunt wages to a great professional job in Seattle.

ALWAYS embrace the opportunity to make new contacts. Let's say you're invited to attend or participate in an event of some kind. If there is even the slightest chance you will meet someone who may need your skills or services, GO! (Example: I attended a mock trial two months ago. I met amazing people and doors opened.)

IF YOUR CLIENT DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO GET SOMETHING DONE, learn what it takes and offer to do it. Sometimes the guidance you need is just a few phone calls or emails away; it expands your portfolio and makes you a valuable one-stop resource.

GO WHERE THE WORK IS. Remember Sam Kinison used to talk about hunger in Africa? He said "we have deserts too, we don't live there; GO WHERE THE FOOD IS." Who's doing well right now? Look for every opportunity to rub shoulders with the people who have the work - bankruptcy attorneys, hospitals, charities, etc.

FIND NEW BUSINESS FOR THE PEOPLE WHO GIVE YOU BUSINESS. Don't pay it forward, pay it back. More work for them will probably mean more work for you.

We are interconnected.

If we're smart, loyal and open to the opportunities that are out there, hopefully we can weather the storm intact.

Coming off the full moon.

Went to a meeting this morning and wound up in a client's vehicle ... wow, the dash dazzled like the jewelry counter at Tiffany's, the air went on immediately and I cannot remember the last time I experienced that new car smell. Reminded me of the "Mercedes leather" scene in Lost in America.

It was very hard getting back in my paid off piece of crap ... but I would rather have that than the obligation of a lease payment!

My car has an occupant. I hope it's a mouse and not something bigger. There was a thick, round cracker with nibbled edges near the cup holder. Those aren't any crackers that I have, so he's bringing in carry-out from somewhere else. I'll stay out of his way so long as he stays out of mine.

Took a walk about five days ago, all alone on the whole street. The golf course across from me doesn't mow the surrounding areas as often as they used to. I'm sure they're saving money on gas. Unfortunately it makes good hiding for critters.

Well, the gray snake I saw 2' from my foot was way too big to hide, about 3 to 4" thick and a little too wavy to assess it's length. Naturally, I levitated and ran across the street.

Damned wetlands everywhere!!! (I think the accepted term is "saltwater flats".)

A woman came up behind me on a bike and asked what almost got me ... she had no desire to stay and check it out.

So now I'm riding a bike instead. I'm up too high to bite and way too fast to catch.

Life is good again. The dogs are clean, the floors are washed and Kraft Dinner is now available in a whole grain version. (Remember when it was 3 boxes for a buck? God we are getting so old.)

Just got a singles email from "Strictbutloving", a self-described "retired kinkster." Those are two words you really don't want to see together. What bugs me most is I think I recognize the guy from somewhere. He has a balding "Third Reich" look and photos of himself with his grandchildren.

About a week ago I got a singles email from an older COUPLE - a man in a wheelchairand his wife looking for a "loving female" to join them on their farm. I'm not making this up, I almost copied their photo for this blog but it was just too sad.

Well, it's always comforting to know you have options if life falls apart. Not GOOD options, but options.

(Actually, my friend Connie has a farm in Missouri. I can learn to tend geese if I have to.)

Apology to Harry

No dear blog readers, do not call the guys in the white coats. (As if our country has the resources to even EMPLOY guys in white coats any more ...)

Buddhism isn't optimistic or pessimistic, it's realistic.

I like to be funny and irreverent, but reality is harsh for a lot of us right now. I've blogged through some fears in recent weeks. Hopefully it helps others know they're not alone. (I find that incredibly comforting.)

And hopefully it helps those whose lives are more secure appreciate their homes and families.

This is from my favorite book, "Awakening the Buddha Within" by Lama Surya Das.
http://www.amazon.com/Awakening-Buddha-Within-Tibetan-Western/dp/0767901576/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1246991173&sr=8-1

"Depression typically carries an overwhelming sense of feeling abandoned, alone, exhausted and disconnected - profoundly weary from the difficult business of living. If this ever happens to you - and it happens to many of us at one time or another - self inquiry needs to be directed at ways in which you have abandoned or lost touch with yourself.

When you're working on depression and other difficult life situations, it's important to summon your faith, fall back on soulful inner practices and go for refuge where you can find spiritual solace.

Try to remember to have faith in your own Buddha-nature, your own inner light, and seek guidance from a reliable teacher ... who inspires spiritual wisdom and energy. Go for refuge to the Dharma by staying true to yourself and your sense that you are on the right path. And look to your friends and your sangha, or spiritual group of any denomination, for support."

Harry sent me an email like he thought I was sitting on the toilet with a gun in my mouth. Bless your heart Harry, I don't have a gun and if I did, I would never have the balls (or desire) to off myself.

Who would feed the dogs???

My "reliable teachers" are my books - like the one the quote above was taken from; also the Tibetan monk who's coming to Health & Harmony next Saturday! He's the one who says the whole of Buddhism can be boiled down to three key teachings. "Be generous/compassionate with others, do no harm and tame the mind."

My "sangha" (spiritual community) is the Health & Harmony yoga center where we stretch and sweat and laugh like children.

Next Saturday will be an amazing day where - after yoga with Sondra - we stay in the same room to learn "Four Thoughts That Turn the Mind to Enlightenment" w Venerable Konchok Tharchin.

http://www.meetup.com/Health-and-Harmony-Center-in-South-Fort-Myers/calendar/10770231/

No, life is good right now. There is joy and hope. Some challenges, yeah, but they seem manageable. Especially when one begins approaching all tasks as if they were sacred.

Namaste.

Going Forth on the Fourth

When you hit the black hole of depression, you wonder if you’ve stirred something up from the murky depths of your gene pool … or whether your dramatic response is APROPRIATE.

I'm meeting a friend tonight who I haven't heard from in months. Rachael is smart and sophisticated with an artsy little home near the beach.

A few years ago she was a very successful mortgage broker. In the past few years … not so much.

She called a few weeks back when I was in utter despair, too depressed to answer the phone; she didn’t leave a message. I had to compose myself before I could compose a quick email ... I think I asked if she was OK. It was weird to hear from her after all these months.

She wrote back something uncharacteristically snotty like “yeah, WHY?”

During the depths I got paranoid and started assuming everyone I cared for no longer cared for me.

Today Rachael called again; this time I was ok to answer. She's as low as I've been. We both babbled like schoolgirls, sharing and confessing - two baby boomers in similar boats.

She told me she has a friend who wakes up every morning and thinks "FUCK - I'm still alive." It was shocking to hear someone say that out loud. I was thinking the same thing. The only comforting aspect of not having health insurance is knowing you don’t have to worry about treatment options if you get sick. You can just GO*.

But that’s not what I was worried about. In recent weeks I was freaked wondering how I would live and WHERE I would live if I couldn’t support myself. My son's place is too small and his life full of responsibilities. I have no doubt my mom and stepdad would say no if I asked to stay with them. My step-dad would say "if we do it for her, we have to do it for the grandkids". While my one stepbrother is in a supportive relationship, his sons live deeply troubled lives.

My folks live in a giant house on 80 acres. They have room in their house, but not in their hearts. I'm sure if my step-dad dies, it would be a different story for me. Or if something happens to my mom's health. But then that place would kill us both. In the Lake Superior area, the snow gets waist deep with temps so low it’s dangerous to leave the house. It was a dismal realization, to know that in a worst case scenario, I have nowhere to go.

Rachael is in that same place, too old for anyone to want her and too young for Social Security. Her house is in foreclosure. In hurricane season with no home insurance, she has stored the furniture and kept only her bed and TV.

When we talk on the phone, her voice echoes across the deep red Spanish tiles where her baby grand once stood.

On the bright side, foreclosures take a while and she probably has three months left. Then she worked out a place to go. She will move into her son’s house - he apparently has another option.

Rachael is working three days a week for a local nonprofit. The rest of the time she confesses she's been sleeping, watching CNN and eating. Nothing like making it all worse by fattening yourself up while you're down.

She said it's like there's a "magnet on her house", she's afraid to leave it. She panics and has to rush home to her dogs.

Me too!!

The only thing that got me up in the morning was the need to feed the dogs and take them outside. I told her this last depression was one of the worst I've ever been through. But with work comes joy (and groceries). With yoga comes strength and peace. With NPR comes the sense that we’re NOT alone in all this.

I've been forcing myself to reach out and make new friends. Friday I went out with a nice man. We talked for three hours. I was the first date he's had in 16 years, he was terrified; but I joked him out of it and we had a nice time.

I suggested meeting at the Lighthouse Tiki Bar, but that's where he caught his wife with the other man. He took her back after a time and tried to do the right thing; of course it bit him on the ass and he lost most of what he had.

We met at the Paradise Tiki Bar in Cape Coral instead. They've cleaned that place up! (I used to go there with Randy, his house is just two canals away.)

Anyway, this other guy is spiritual and believes in past lives. We had great conversation but the band was too loud. There will be more to talk about in some other place.

And then last night (look at me, like I have balls or something) I drove to Naples to watch the fireworks with someone I met online.

He had three bottles of wine waiting for us on the table (red flag) along with wasabi crackers and gourmet dips. He invited me to spend the night before we met but I told him I have to get back to my dogs.

I am well aware of the "you've had too much to drink" line. That was not about to happen. What DID happen is he talked too much and tried too hard. It made me very, very nervous.

Then we walked around town and I got to see how the rich people are still living. He’s one, but he doesn’t act like it. Thank God.

We walked past mansions. One was for sale and he pulled the real estate sheet; the price had “dropped” to about 3+ million.

He said these homes were on a lake. We walked around to a small deck-like “outlook” where you can see "the whole thing".

It’s a pond.

He said he remembers when it was surrounded by modest cottages. Now you can't see it from the sidewalk. Mansions surround it shoulder to shoulder, like a pride of lions feeding on a chipmunk.

I said for that much money, you could find something on the gulf. He laughed and said not even close. He said in this neighborhood, “Sanibel is the cheap seats.” He told me most of the homes are owned by people who own homes all over the world; they rarely stay there.

We walked to town a flew blocks away. Locals and tourists were out in force, waiting for the fireworks. In the restaurants people were drinking expensive wines with $60 dinners.

On the streets beautifully dressed people walked BEAUTIFULLY groomed dogs.

He asked what style I choose for my dogs. I said “I do them myself.” My girls can endure the humiliation of mom’s scissor cuts if it saves me $90/month with tip!

We had champagne cocktails in one exceptionally beautiful bar; later we ate gyros streetside. He'd never had one, I helped him with his pronunciation.

It was very hot, I was melting when we heard the boom of fireworks down by the pier. As we walked towards the sights and sounds, he kept touching my arm, telling me how cool I felt. (???)

He was right. (Remembering when the ex-bf said I’m so good with the heat I should move to Nicaragua. Pinch me - maybe I'm dead already?!)

My skin IS cool to the touch in extreme heat, how weird is that? But my scalp was raining sweat to my eyebrows.

We walked a lot, like he was judging my health. I joked that I could kick his ass. I have no doubt I could. He breathlessly stopped at some corners to "let you rest".

His parents are gone and he has no children. He said "nobody cares whether I live or die." (Gasp.)

Being with him made me feel really old. I think because he FEELS old, or maybe it was his sad rubbing off. He's not worth as many millions as he once was. “I should have sold four years ago, when I had a chance.”

By 10 I was bored out of my mind and on the verge of a panic attack. I'm still getting those for some reason. I guess big stress doesn't go away easily, it LINGERS.

People of all sizes, colors and lifestyles had jammed into the small downtown area to see the fireworks; now everyone wanted out. Going home meant a descent into crushing traffic, but sitting in traffic is better than feeling awkward and struggling for things to say.

Mile by mile, my shoulders gradually started easing down off my ear lobes.

This morning I sent him a thank you note. I'm not turning my nose up at friendships any more.

Today I'm cleaning. Organizing. Getting it all back together.

Then I'm meeting Rachael at a fish joint on the Caloosahatchee. It will be good to share the shit with someone who’s neck deep. She said it’s so good to “talk about this with someone who understands.”

Absolutely. I think there are more people engaged in the struggle for survival than she can IMAGINE. I should buy groceries today, but I’ll settle for a shock top, a seafood appetizer and GREAT conversation instead.

(GRATEFUL FOR: getting back in touch with an old friend.)

*That's the thing about Buddhism. Death is just part of the cycle - life/death/rebirth - repeat. If you really believe, it's not such a big deal.

Reunion

That’s my cousin Tommy on the right. (Kerry, his son, is on the left.)

Up til today, I hadn’t seen Tommy in four years.

Tommy’s mom and my mom are sisters in a matriarchy that comes in two flavors - alcoholics and wussies.

I am one of the wussies. Our numbers are small and we are the outcasts. “We” are me, my late Gram, my mom and my son.

We have stood at the fringe of graduation and birthday parties, alternately checking our watches and staring at the tops of our shoes.

Is it impolite to leave early if nobody will notice you’ve left?

My aunt cooks amazing meals and the guests eat and drink til the kegs run dry; at which point, the least hammered grabs the car keys and weaves his way down back roads to the nearest party store. (Alcoholic theory has it that there are fewer cops on back roads.)

The wussies are long gone by then.

There wasn’t always a noticeable chasm in the family. Tommy was born when I was 7, as close to a sibling as I’ll ever get. We were the first grandchildren and Gram’s constant favorites for the whole of her life.

Growing up, we lived distant lives, drawn together by a shared love of Grandma and the fact that we were the two strangest people in a weird family.

I was a starry eyed optimist who married (and divorced) three times. Tommy got his heart broken early, so it took a long time before he had the courage to fall in love again.

His mother - my aunt - is an elegant control freak who lives to sit in judgment.

The day Tommy brought April - his fiancée - home to meet mom, April plunked down on the sofa, pulled a beer out of her purse and sucked suds like she was shooting the shit with a diesel mechanic.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression. April looked bitchy, but she was a nice person. She was REAL. I always liked her.

Naturally, the marriage didn’t last. Well, what am I saying - it DID last. It HAS lasted, in its own strange way.

Inhaling deeply to get this out in one breath ... they married, had three kids, she met someone with more money, she and Tom divorced, she married the other guy and had another kid. Then her husband met some oriental hoochie mama, they divorced and April was on the prowl again.

It was only a matter of time before she and Tom would run into each at the pubs. One weekend they woke up together in my aunt’s guesthouse. (April would fondly remember me as the only one who literally welcomed her back to the family with open arms.)

While it was a scandal for about 48 hours, grudges do NOT run in the family; except when it comes to me.

Over time April’s fourth child was accepted as a natural member of the family. I saw him today. He’s growing up. April still looks good. Tommy looks … well … older and sad.

There’s a new grandbaby, I saw her too. She's in the photo above. I saw her looking up at the camera while seated on her Great Grandfather’s headstone; Tommy's dad's dad.

We called him Pappy. When we were kids, the families converged upon his cottage at Clear Lake in mid-Michigan.

Pappy's cabin smelled like buckwheat pancakes and pine needles. He was a sweet old guy and those were precious times - swimming and fishing until dark, going to sleep on lumpy old mattresses with sunburned backs and the Everly Brothers singing softly on the radio.

Pappy’s headstone says “gone fishin’”.

I gasped when I saw it for the first time today.

And there’s Tommy’s little granddaughter sitting on the cold flat marble. A lot of time has passed. Too much time.

Tommy and I got out of touch about four years ago. We haven’t talked since I had to ask him to leave my commercial building. Over the years he had rented from (and turned the screws to) most anyone who took him in. The family knew this, still, they asked if I’d rent to him.

Up til that time I'd always been financially solid.

So I rented to him. I was hoping it wouldn’t come back to bite me - but of course it did.

He wasn’t paying his rent, my life was falling apart and I needed a place to stay. I initially asked if I could move in with him, but he’d filled the place with assorted layabouts. It had become party central - an opium den without the opium - a beer and whiskey den in need of gasoline and a match.

I told him I couldn’t live in a place where I had to lock my bedroom door; then, when he didn’t show up to pack, I packed for him. I was desperate.

His life was falling apart due to his “illness” and bad choices - so was mine.

My Lyme Disease started resolving itself months after a move to a warmer climate and fresh air. Tommy? It looks like nothing has changed. How do I know this from 1,500 miles away?

His son Kerry is on Facebook.

Today I noticed he has two “summer ‘09” albums.

Tattoo a giant "L" for "loser" on my forehead, I snuck a peek to see what the family is up to; a pretty emotional journey for someone who never left her chair.

Not much has changed in four years.

Pappy’s cottage looks the same as it looked 50 years ago. There are adult beverages in every picture … the same favorite places, with aging faces of people I love and miss and young ones coming up that I’ll probably never meet.

This is bittersweet.

The emotional and physical distances are profound.